‘Robert Algernon Percival Moon-Unit Griffiths – you have been found guilty of gross cowardice and dereliction of duty – in that you did wilfully desert the men under your command in the face of enemy fire. I sentence you to be taken from here to a place of public execution where ye shall be hanged by the neck until ye be dead’.
The judge’s terrible words still reverberated inside Griff’s head as he awoke in a cold sweat. Phew – it was just another one of those terrible dreams that he’s been having recently. Mind you it’s no surprise that his conscience should be troubling him because – yes, you’ve guessed it – Captain AWOL is back.
You’d think that after his appalling behaviour in the Casuals match last week (deliberately getting himself out first ball so he could disappear to attend to some domestic crisis – in the knowledge that we were already 2 short) he’d be eager to make amends and prove his commitment to the cause. But oh no – not a bit of it! Not likely!
Despite knowing that we were already struggling for numbers – despite knowing that after 2 consecutive whuppings confidence was low and the team needed its leader more than ever – despite knowing that we were playing the mighty Eclipse who are one of the strongest team on our fixture list (even if they happen to be Williamsless on this occasion) – yes, despite all that he casually sends out an e-mail just hours before the game saying ‘oh, sorry boys – can’t make it tonight’. Don’t ask me the details, I was too disgusted to take much notice – the house was on fire, or the cat was giving birth, or something equally unlikely I expect.
Mind you, when it comes to excuses he’s come up with some belters over the years. My personal favourite came after he failed to turn up for a winter indoor league game –‘Oh, sorry boys. I fell asleep in front of the telly – and by the time I woke up it was too late, so I just went to bed’ – though a close second was ‘Oh, sorry boys. My missus pranged the car – and I’d left my phone in work so I didn’t have anyone’s number to ring for a lift’. Give me strength. Still – at least it shows plenty of imagination?
Luckily Dave is there to step into the breech and assume control – but things are soon going from bad to worse as the wickets start to tumble. Jay is an early casualty soon following by Jaff – caught fending off a beamer. He looks pointedly in the direction of square leg in the expectation of a ‘no ball’ call, but unfortunately the idiot masquerading as an umpire is in dreamland, and what’s more I – er, I mean he – hasn’t really got a clue what the rule is. The variable bounce (plus some c**p shots) soon see the Canes on the edge of the abyss at 30 odd for 6 (which is effectively for 8 since we’re 2 short). Humiliation beckons then – but not so fast, not with Jim and Lewis still there. They dig in manfully, and slowly – and then quickly – the score starts to mount until the Canes eventually find them themselves on an unlikely, but very defendable, 117 off 20 overs. Jim finishes on 39 not out and Lewis 49 not out. An absolutely outstanding effort from both of them. Now that’s what I call commitment to the cause (are your ears burning Griff?).
After generously leading us a couple of fielders the Eclipse innings gets off to an even worse start than ours with wickets falling to each of the first two (legitimate) balls from Mr Angle – both to catches from Jaff. This then presents the tantalising prospect of a double hat-trick (for both bowler and keeper) – but it’s not to be. With Mr A later also taking an excellent running catch on the boundary it seems that the long-promised ‘premier league quality’ that he’s been threatening to provide this season has finally arrived. Good to see. If the Swans can perform like that next season then they’ve got half a chance of staying up. And as for Jaff – well, what can I say? After another top notch performance behind the stumps, including pouching no less than FOUR catches, it’s plain to see why he’s becoming known around the cricketing circuit as ‘Son of Greg’.
The Eclipse innings seems to be following a similar path to that of the Canes with early struggles, against decent bowling abetted by the vagaries of the pitch, followed by a wagging tail. As it finally comes down to the last pair at the wicket and 21 needed off the last 2 overs, the Canes look favourites – especially as Captain Dave has wisely held back his best 2 bowlers (Jim and Lewis again) for this very situation (look and learn Griff). However, a sweetly struck 6 off Lewis puts things back into the melting pot leaving 10 (I think) needed from Lewis’ last over.
Now if you could pick a man for this situation it would be Lewis – the man’s got nerves of steel. With 2 balls to go there are still 7 runs needed – and Dave has all the fielders back on the boundary. However, the next ball strays down the leg side and is glanced for four. So then, 3 to win – or 2 to tie, off the last ball. There wasn’t a Canes’ bum that wasn’t squeaking at this point – or then again maybe there was the one. Yes, Lewis ‘Ice in his Veins’ Bowen produces the perfect delivery – a fast, accurate yorker-length ball that sends the bails flying. The Canes sneak home by 2 runs in a very exciting, enjoyable and good-natured match. What does the future hold for Griff through? He did make a brief appearance on the far boundary, like a spectre at the feast, in a token display of solidarity – but can he ever hope to atone for his disgraceful recent behaviour? Watch this space.
Man of the Match – Two players won it virtually on their own. Captain Dave says the award it should be shared, but Jim insisted it ought to be Lewis – and I agree. Top score, excellent bowling at the death when the pressure was on, plus two awesome attempts at catches (both unsuccessful unfortunately) that no-one else would have got near.
Danny