Win or lose, the Canes have always played as a team. No-one gets all the credit when things go right – and no-one is singled out for blame when they don’t. No-one receives hurtful personal abuse for their perceived failings. The Corinthian spirit – all for one and one for all – that’s always been the Canes’ motto. I’d just like to make that clear in case anyone should get the wrong idea later on.

The Spartans batted first on a lovely warm late summer afternoon at their picturesque Sully ground, which was looking truly idyllic with the sunshine reflecting off the waters of the Bristol Channel. Yes, when God invented cricket this was surely how he intended it to be played – though mindful of the dodgy forecast for later on it was thought wise to restrict the game to 30 overs.

On a good batting track the Spartans were largely untroubled by the Canes’ bowling attack and progressed fairly serenely to (I think) 176 for 6 – with Mr Morgan top scoring with 50 odd. A few days have now passed since the match and I’m afraid I can’t recall any incidents of note – apart from some idiot shying at the stumps and conceding 4 overthrows (though I can’t remember who it was) and Jaffa somehow failing to run out a batsman out near the end. Yes, that was about as exciting as it got I’m afraid – all very genteel. We’re just not used to these slower-paced longer games.

The Spartans seem to have been recruiting heavily from the IPL – and having seen their half dozen or so fit and athletic looking young Indian players warming up in the nets I expected that their bowling might prove to be a bit ‘lively’. I wasn’t wrong (I lasted precisely 2 balls). Nathan flattered to deceive but Dave was looking in fine form before steering a cut straight to a fielder, Sully and new recruit Martin soon perished, and Jim looked to have struck a straight 6 but fell to an excellent catch on the boundary. They were soon joined back in the pavilion by Captain Fantastic and also, after a flurry of big hits, by Mr Campbell. It was all going wrong. The Canes were in deep trouble with 8 wickets down and still a long long way short of the target – but with Jaffa and Lewis in the middle there was still hope.

By this time something very unusual indeed had happened – the weather forecasters had been proved spot on. The earlier sunshine had now disappeared, the wind had picked up, the rain had started, and the temperature had plunged by at least 20 degrees. However, Jaffa and Lewis seemed to relishing the conditions and put together an excellent stand – with Jaff in particular looking to be in majestic form.

The weather got worse. The rain was now lashing down, the wind was now blowing a gale – and it was b****y freezing. I tried suggesting to Mr Morgan that maybe we should be sensible and just call things off – but with the scent of victory in his nostrils he was having none of it.

Myself and Clive were umpiring and it wasn’t much fun I can tell you. I can’t speak for Clive but personally I was soaked through, my hands, nose, and no doubt various other extremities had turned blue, and I was imminent danger of developing pneumonia and hypothermia. It’s not really what you need at my time of life, but I consoled myself with the thought that my shivering and shaking was so violent that it must be clearly visible to my younger team-mates who were sheltering nice and dry in the pavilion – and that it was only a matter of time before one them would offer to relieve me from my suffering (all for one and all that remember?).

Well my friends, I’m sorry to have to say this, because I know how shocked and appalled you’ll be to hear it – but I’ve always believed that a match reporter’s main responsibility is to provide an accurate and factual account of proceedings, and I regret to have to inform you that ……………….. no such relief was forthcoming. I’ll say no more on the matter and leave you to reflect on what that says about the state of modern Britain – and the Hurricanes team ethic in particular.

On a more positive note Jaff and Lewis were going from strength to strength (or maybe they just trying to keep warm – or get it all over with as soon as possible), and with the Indians seeming to be enjoying it about as much as I was, and the standard of their fielding deteriorating sharply as they shivered with hands in pockets (to Mr Morgan’s fury), an unlikely victory seemed to be on the cards – until Lewis was bowled with about 15 runs still needed.

This obliged the no. 11 batsman to emerge reluctantly from the sanctuary of the pavilion where he’d been cowering from the elements – but with Jaff in prime form, and with the bowlers struggling to even grip the sodden ball, all he had to do was stay there while Jaffa knocked off the runs. But no – after running a single he turned back for a second that was never there, but after Jaff rightly sent him back he failed to gain any traction on the greasy pitch, failed to make his ground and was run out –leaving Jaffa just short of his 50 in what would have surely been the finest innings of his career. Cue hysterical celebrations from the Indians (or maybe they were just trying to get some circulation back).

You’ll notice that I haven’t named the kebab-munching moron concerned – er, I mean the unfortunate batsman in question. This is line with the policy that I mentioned at the start which rules out allocating individual blame, and I wouldn’t want him to be getting hate mail from enraged fans, or coming home to find his house burnt down. It could have happened to anyone that’s the point – and anyway I’m sure it nothing to do with him just wanting to get out of the cold and rain at any cost?

Man of the Match – Jaffa

The Canes’ continuing struggle for numbers saw them having to enter the temporary loan market for this final showdown of the season with arch-enemies the Chavs at the Cathedral School – and we were fortunate enough to secure the services of two seasoned pros in the form of Bleddyn and Neil from the Centurions. However, this didn’t solve the issue of leadership in the absence of not only Captain Griff, but also vice captain Dave and deputy vice captain COB as well. No problem – step forward reserve deputy assistant vice captain Jim. Order restored.

Nathan had turned up in his rugby gear as he had to attend a training session of Llandaff RFC which was due to take place just next to the cricket pitch – and he managed a couple of overs before sprinting off to join his ‘less talented but definitely more butch’ alternative team-mates. I’m not sure whether that means he should be complimented for his dedication to the Canes’ cause or just the opposite?

Neil opened from the other end and soon opened his Canes’ account with an impressive couple of overs that saw him take 2 wickets – one to a very sharp catch from Jim. Super Sully was also soon making his presence felt with a delightful display guile and flight that saw him also pick up a couple of wickets – including an astonishing athletic dive to take a caught and bowled. Susuki would have been very impressed. Incidentally, the news that legal action for slander may be taken against her following her recent match report, leaving the fragile eastern beauty facing the prospect of a lifetime incarcerated in a prison cell, has outraged right-thinking cricketing folk across the land. We can only pray that the German will see reason and relent. Susuki is innocent!

While on the subject of Sully I’m afraid I really must take him to task with regards to his recent match report on the Glenwood game – no, not for giving himself the man of the match award (even Griff has never done that), but for his reference to myself as a ‘literary genius’. Honestly Sully, that was just soooooooh embarrassing. You really mustn’t do anything like that again – for a while.

Some big hitting later in the innings saw the Chavs innings finish on something like 87 for 6 off 16 overs – with Bleddyn providing 2 good overs at the death when the pressure was on (I’m sure he thanked Jim for that afterwards). He could even have picked up a wicket had a brave – nay heroic – attempt by yours truly to take difficult catch in the deep been successful (listen – if you want the truth then write the report yourself). A decent total then on a pitch and an outfield where scoring wasn’t easy.

There was a distinct lack of volunteers to join Jaffa in opening the Canes’ reply – until Neil gamely stepped forward and offered his services. That’s exactly the sort of spirit we want – and at this point Neil was in pole position to collect a debut man of the match award following his earlier wickets. Sadly, one ball later he was right out of the running – a golden duck after steering his first delivery straight to cover.

This brought Lewis to the middle to join Jaffa and the score mounted steadily in the face of some decent bowling. Lewis especially impressed with some subtle and judicious shot selection among the big hits. I must confess that ‘subtle’ and ‘judicious’ are not words I ever expected to find myself using to describe a Bowen innings – it just goes to show that, just when you’ve think you’ve seen it all, life can still through up a surprise.

Between them the pair put on a stand of about 50 before Jaff threw the kitchen sink at one delivery only to fall to an excellent catch on the boundary from Marchant. This brought Mr Campbell to the middle and the spectators prepared themselves for some big hitting (Clive doesn’t really do subtle or judicious) – but sadly it wasn’t to be against some excellent bowling from Fraser. A huge hoik at the first delivery saw the ball whistle inches past the leg stump, and an even bigger one at the next saw it shave the off stump. Now a player of a more prudent disposition may have concluded that he should be treating the bowling with a bit more respect – but Clive doesn’t do prudence either I’m afraid, and all too predictably his stumps were soon clattered and he was on his way. Sully was in next and it was interesting to see him receiving a dose of his own medicine as he swished away in frustration at the bowling of the wily Brownie.

Though Lewis fell just before the end he and Jaff had done enough and the Canes eased home with a couple of wickets to spare. This gives Jim a 100% success record as captain. He made it look so easy, and with Griff and the other contenders proving rather less than reliable recently, could this become a permanent arrangement I wonder?

Before I finish though I’m afraid I have to draw attention to yet more underhand tactics used by the Chavs in a desperate attempt to gain an unfair advantage. Whilst fulfilling my umpiring duties I have to report that I was subjected to a sustained and co-ordinated onslaught of sledging and psychological bullying from that dirty duo Sparkes and Poulsom – with Jeremy suggesting that I should be watching play rather than dozing off at square leg, and Glyn producing a series of mysterious and arcane hand signals and other gestures, accompanied by raised eyebrows and quizzical looks, all of which was clearly calculated to imply that I was an incompetent with barely a rudimentary grasp of the rules. He was wasting him time of course – I was already well aware of that.

Man of the Match – it must be Lewis.

**** WARNING***** This report does not compare to the litery genius of Danny Driscol or have the wacky ideation of Grifos sci-fi adventures.Hope you like it.I welcome comments.

We attended Blackweir at the tail of Hurricane Rita.We were well prepared for the conditions apart fromLewis Bowen.Isicles coyuld be seen forming from his nose and his lips were blue.We lost the toss and we were first to bat ( even if our captain was unsure)

In to bat first was Jaffa and Nathan.Both were batting well,Jaffa on 5 when a clear ” no ball” was delivered.Jaffa swang at it thinking it would be called by Umpire Danny but it was not.He was then caught resulting in Jaffa ” throwing his toys out of the cot” .I have included the rules from Wisden 2010 for Danny to read,see below.

” Any delivery other than a slow paced one,which passess or would have passed on the full above waist height of the striker standing upright athe crease is deemed to be dangerous and unfair.The umpire shall call and signal ” no-ball” for each such delivery.” Now you know.

Nathan did well and fell for 17.IN comes Dave Stagg.I know theres been a cull of badgers in North Pembrokshire but this bizarre skinned gent was well up for it.However he was out for 5.The misery continues.Griff in next.Was settled on 8 until the authors indecision got him run out for 8.My fault Grifter.I statrted slowly scoring just 6 of 25 balls at which stage Sachin Tendulker ( i mean D.Stagg) started abusing me on the sideline.I saw red scored 25 of the next 14 balls .A helicopter destined for the Londonn riots even stopped for 10 minutes to watch how it is done.Halfway through i heared one of their guys shout ” blimy mate what woke you up”.I retired on 31.Bowen stayed in scoring an aggressive 16 .You could see the isicles melt.ImranJimmy and danny got another 8 runs and we were out for 100 exactly.

Danny bowled first.Complete with creeking kness and a zimmer framme.” Last time i bowled frist W.G Grace was still playing” he was heared shouting.Wickets fell quite early with confidence high.Wickets going by Sully,Nathan and two for Grifter.It seemed to change when a batsman entered who looked like your P.E teacher whom would batter you in a fight.He did well and was scoring runs.Their tail did well with their captain Sutton batting impressivly scoring 22 .Powell bowled well looking like a cross between Ronaldom taking a penalty and an episode of Strickly come dancing.They made it to 101 with 2 overs to go.We lost……………..

Man of the match-Sully.
His prize,copious amounts of Biscuits fed to me by a naked Suzuki.Goodnight.Now its time for my tea.( egg and chips)

Sully

It was business as usual after the shock news that Suzuki had attended the previous match against the Mac. Griff, still struggling to come to terms with the heartbreak he had inflicted, decided to open the batting with Jaffa. What better tribute to the love of woman he had never met, she couldn’t have the jiggy jiggy but she could hear about the whacky whacky. Unfortunately Griff couldn’t make whacky, the bat hung flaccid and lifeless in his hand for 4 overs until he was finally put out of his misery on 5 off 12 balls. It was as if the emotions of the last couple of weeks had resulted in the batting equivalent of erectile dysfunction, and limp Griff trudged off.

One might think that being called Jaffa may be the result of similar problems to Griff’s. No way, this boy is not shooting blanks and wasn’t living up to his name. His batting was anything but impotent, scoring 54NO and, like Bowen the week before, finishing in style cracking one off over the bowlers head.

After Jaffa others came, got themselves stuck in at one end, and then prematurely ejaculated their wicket. One Cougar took offence when Powell suggested it was being sprayed down the leg too much. Griff, used to the stains on his pants, was never bothered about it dribbling down the leg and so took over, restoring harmony out in the middle. At the end of the ‘Canes innings the Cougars needed 127 to win off 18 overs.

The ‘Canes bowling was tight and just the way a Cougar likes it, straight up the middle with a bit of bend and the occasional wrong un thrown in. They never really got up to the required run rate but, as with all women of a certain age, they did squeak a few out sideways when it got hard and fast and so were always in the game.
Mike Obrien’s back made a Lazarus like recovery after 4 years on the side-lines. When faced with 11 panting, sweaty Cougars he did a Michael Douglas and dived straight in. His enthusiasm was evident and he stood as close as he could to his prey, a shame then that although the mind was willing the body was not. Another mind however was not on the game, and after thinking he saw a kimono moving in the trees Griff had to be shouted at by Jimmy to field the ball.

Sensing the opposition were getting on top and not wanting to have a Cougar mount him Imran pounced, cleaning out 4 of them, including a Ménage à Trois. Top stuff from the kebab eating ladyboy. Powell again annoyed the opposition by becoming one of them, a perfect MILF (Man I Like in the Field) taking 2 fine catches. Bowen polished off the last 2 Cougars in the last over. Flicking his ball out of the back of his hand when one wasn’t looking, and finishing off in style pushing it fast down the side before nipping it back into middle of the unsuspecting 40 something.
The Cougars seemingly satisfied with their pounding retired smiling for a cigarette on the boundary. A nasty scene was averted by Danny after the Cougar Captain asked Griff for payment for services rendered.

A shame that Suzuki missed the 2 most eligible ’Canes finest moments. Would the Leckwith bedsit or kebab smells have been a price she’d have been willing to pay? Would Griff have played so poorly if he was unaware he’d shattered a young girls dream? I suppose we’ll never know.

On the way back to the car a young Indian lady approached me asking if the tanned man that smelt of stale meat, chip fat and garlic was from the east or west side of the Wagah border. When I replied the west she shed a tear, mumbled something about Romeo, Juliet, star crossed lovers and family disapproval then disappeared on to the back of a tuk-tuk with Bangalore plates.

MoM – Two equally fine contenders, Jaffa and Imran. I think it only fair that Suzuki chooses her prince.

Harroh.

My name Susuki and I am geisha girl from Kyoto in Yapan. One day I see wedding of Kate and Lills on TV. Oh my word – it so womantic. Since then my dweam is to mally handsome pwince and live in castle. So, I go on web and google ‘handsome’ ‘english’ ‘gentleman’ – and oh my word, in jus one second up pop picture of Gwiff.

He so handsome, and I know that I love him and he is man for me. I see that he play cwicket for team called Huwicanes – and of course he is best player (all weports say so) – so, I send message that I come UK to mally him and make some jiggy jigs, but he weply and say that Mrs Gwiff she no like. This make Susuki sad. But then I tink maybe there is other players like Gwiff in team and so I come UK to fine out.

I come to place call Blackweir, and when I see Gwiff – well, he even more handsome than picture on web, but I know he cannot be mine and so I look at other player in team, and I soon see one vely pwetty boy. His name Jaffa – and I know fwom weports that he make lot of whacky whacky with bat, which mean he mus be good for jiggy jigs. But why they call him Jaffa? I learn good to speak English and I know this is type of biscuit. Why they call him biscuit? There is another boy called Sully who look like he eat many many biscuit – why not him called Jaffa? Me no understand. Jaffa is vely pwetty though, but he no live in castle – jus clappy bed sit in Leckwit, so he is no man for me.

Game is against team called Mackintosh – but sun is shine and they no wear mackintosh. Me no understand? The Mack is first to make whacks. They make plenty whacks and score 128 for 9. Boy called Chewbadger take first two wicket and me tink he quite cute, but maybe he not nice boy cos me see him doing pee pee on boundwy – vely wude boy. He not man for Susuki.

Then I see another pwetty boy who is call Imwan. Him I like a lot and I know that he make lot of good whackies – but also I hear he eat too many kebabs. This not good (maybe make bad smells in bed), and he so pwetty that me tink maybe he is ladyboy? No. Imwan not the man for me either.

Another boy call COB take 2 wicket but he not pwetty. I hear that he look like s**t house lat, and I tink is true. Best bowler is Gwiff (of course) who take 3 wicket. Mack score many luns and Canes mus make many many whacks if they will win match.

First whackers for Hullicanes is boys called Bowen and Chewbadger. Bowen not pwetty boy but make many good whacks and score 50 luns, and Chewbadger get 15. Then come nother dirty old man called Danny, and bwother of Chewbadger and they make more whacks – but Sully and COB only make 1 little whack each (I tink is cos too many biscuits).

Then comes moment that I am waiting for when Gwiff come out to make whacks. Another boy called Norm is there too but me only have eyes for Gwiff. Only 4 is need to win and of course with first ball Gwiff make mighty whack and game is over. Canes is win match by 5 wicket and of course Gwiff is helo.

I look awound for naughty boy called Jellamy who me know make Gwiff cwoss cos not make enough whacks. I bwing with me bwolly to teach him good lesson and show him what is mean by good whackies – but he not there. Lucky for him I say.

Man of Match – my head say there is much good whacking from Bowen, and good whacking and bowling from Chewbadger. But my heart say only one ting – it mus be Gwiff.

So, I no find my pwince and mus return to my sad lonely life in Yapan. I love you Gwiff and never forget you. Goodbye for ever.

Susuki

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away: the highway department of the council were roundly beaten, year on year, by the DARK SIDE, a group led by Darth Dobson and his sons from the deep of East side of Cardiff. Phil Obi wan Cadenne was out of ideas.

Episode IV A new hope: It is a period of civil war (thanks to images in R2 Dully’s monitor). Cane players, striking from Heath Park, have won their first victory against the evil Glenwood Empire under the inspired and selfless leadership of Griff Skywalker. Jim Solo, Chewbadger, C-3SPEvans and R2 Dully have all played their part in defeating the evil Darth Dobson yet Yodanny has taught us well and for 8 strong years the force has been with us.

Episode V The Empire Strikes Back: It is a dark time for the ‘Canes. The Dark side have recruited well. The dead wood is gone and Sutton Troppers at the ready. Evading the Glenwood fleet, a group of ‘Canes, led by Griff Skywalker establish a new secret base called the Full Toss League. The evil lord Dobson, obsessed with beating the canes has dispatched his best side, resulting in defeat for the ‘Canes in the last couple of years.

Episode VI Return of the Jedi: Griff Skywalker has returned to his home of Heath park, on his bike, to rescue the ‘Canes from another humiliating defeat against the dark side and wrap up a league title. The ‘Canes started well and the chief Ewok COB took a wicket in the 2nd over after Griffwalker took a solid catch. Nearly perfect Princess Powell then took 3 in 3 including a catch off Griff in the deep before dropping the dangerous Lord Sutton. Chewbadger took a caught and bowled that defied the beer he’d drunk and Griff Skywalker did the old Lord Dobson with a ‘slow un’. The Ewoks did well in the field with Ewok COB launching a fine run out and catch, Ewok Jaff taking one in the eye and Ewok Bowen aiding mercenary Imran Calrissian a fine run out.
The Dark side were 109 all out after 16.2. (Stick that up your Dark Star).

The AT-AT’s then attacked, but the brave Ewok Jaffa gave as god as he got 33 NO off nothing at all. Imran Calrissian, the mercenary turncoat who can’t be trusted played it safe but for some reason ran Chewbadger out (Arggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh). Wickets soon followed but, Griffwalker used the force on the keeper (you will not take the ball behind and it will be byes) and helped Ewok Bowen to smash home the runs in a demolition of the Glenstar that should offer hope for the future.

A real shame that that C-3SPEvans,R2 Dully and Jaybba the Hut were away. We could of lost that with your help.

MoM – Should be Powell as he got us off to a flier so it is. Unlucky Jaff good keeping and top batting but sorry!

Griff

After last week’s last gasp win over Eclipse there were signs that the Canes’ recent slump in form may be coming to an end – and at just the right time too with the big game against Glenwood coming up next week.

Firstly there was the rare sight of a full complement of 11 Canes taking to the field for this revenge mission against the Mitres, and fans were rubbing their eyes in disbelief and delight at the sight of Captain Invisible back at the helm to lead them onto the field – and unless I’m hallucinating that gentleman with the curly mop of white hair is none other Mr Cadenne making a rare appearance this season. But best of all, also making a long overdue return to the fold is the ‘maybe less talented but definitely better looking’ Nathan.

So, a full team and a full complement of Nathans. We even had a 12th man in form of Mr Angle, who’d shown outstanding courage and commitment by cycling to the ground across the centre of Cardiff while wearing his Swansea City shirt, and he’d somehow made it through without being seriously assaulted? This surely meant that the planets were all correctly aligned and that the portents were there for the Canes to resume their quest for world domination – and that’s exactly how it turned out.

The Mitres batted first on a flat track and were largely untroubled by an unusually toothless Canes attack who seemed to miss the outside assistance that they’re used to receiving from the pitches at Blackweir and Heath Park. However, though the scoreboard ticked over at a healthy rate it was never out of control and the Mitres finished on 119 for 2 (I think) off 20 overs in a fairly uneventful innings – though there were DCs from both Staggs and the more handsome Nathan, all very tough chances mind. The 6 year old from last year (and he didn’t seem to have grown much) came in near the end and pushed a few comfortable singles – watch out for him in years to come.

A respectable total then, and it could prove a tough one to chase on a damp ground – especially given our recent batting calamities. It seems that the news that the Canes have become global super-stars (especially in Japan) thanks to the wonders of the web may have gone to some players heads – with discipline and common sense going out of the window in the search for instant fame, a quick headline and a mention in the match report. Well, I’m pleased to say that normal service was about to be resumed.

Jaffa and Super Sully opened and both played very sensibly at the start – pushing the singles and waiting patiently for bad balls to hit. The 6 year old was keeping wicket and let the first ball past for 4 byes – but after that he looked very capable. Sully was the first to break cast off the shackles as he bludgeoned several boundaries before becoming the only Canes wicket to fall. This brought Imran to the middle and it seems that his new kebab-free diet is doing him the world of good as he looked in very fine fettle indeed – effortless stroking a number of very stylish fours.

Meanwhile, on the boundary, Mr Rees was padded up and raring to enter the fray. Before the match he’s vowed that his return was going to settle once and for all the debate about who was the top Nathan – and the sight of his hated rival pawing at the ground seemed to galvanise Jaffa into hyper-drive as he launched an all-out assault on the Mitres bowlers in a blistering return to his best form, and there was no way he was giving up his wicket to allow the other Nathan a chance. The result was never in doubt as the Canes cruised to a 9 wicket win with plenty of overs to spare.

The only question mark was over whether Jaff would make to his half century before the victory target was reached. Well, he did – thanks to some unselfish play from Immy who blocked out several deliveries to ensure that Jaff would have his chance of glory. Dave was observed looking very sheepish and shame-faced following his failure to do likewise in similar situation earlier this season. A comfortable win then – bring on those Gladiators next week.

Man of the Match – great batting from Sully and Imran, but it must be Jaffa.

Danny

‘Robert Algernon Percival Moon-Unit Griffiths – you have been found guilty of gross cowardice and dereliction of duty – in that you did wilfully desert the men under your command in the face of enemy fire. I sentence you to be taken from here to a place of public execution where ye shall be hanged by the neck until ye be dead’.

The judge’s terrible words still reverberated inside Griff’s head as he awoke in a cold sweat. Phew – it was just another one of those terrible dreams that he’s been having recently. Mind you it’s no surprise that his conscience should be troubling him because – yes, you’ve guessed it – Captain AWOL is back.

You’d think that after his appalling behaviour in the Casuals match last week (deliberately getting himself out first ball so he could disappear to attend to some domestic crisis – in the knowledge that we were already 2 short) he’d be eager to make amends and prove his commitment to the cause. But oh no – not a bit of it! Not likely!

Despite knowing that we were already struggling for numbers – despite knowing that after 2 consecutive whuppings confidence was low and the team needed its leader more than ever – despite knowing that we were playing the mighty Eclipse who are one of the strongest team on our fixture list (even if they happen to be Williamsless on this occasion) – yes, despite all that he casually sends out an e-mail just hours before the game saying ‘oh, sorry boys – can’t make it tonight’. Don’t ask me the details, I was too disgusted to take much notice – the house was on fire, or the cat was giving birth, or something equally unlikely I expect.

Mind you, when it comes to excuses he’s come up with some belters over the years. My personal favourite came after he failed to turn up for a winter indoor league game –‘Oh, sorry boys. I fell asleep in front of the telly – and by the time I woke up it was too late, so I just went to bed’ – though a close second was ‘Oh, sorry boys. My missus pranged the car – and I’d left my phone in work so I didn’t have anyone’s number to ring for a lift’. Give me strength. Still – at least it shows plenty of imagination?

Luckily Dave is there to step into the breech and assume control – but things are soon going from bad to worse as the wickets start to tumble. Jay is an early casualty soon following by Jaff – caught fending off a beamer. He looks pointedly in the direction of square leg in the expectation of a ‘no ball’ call, but unfortunately the idiot masquerading as an umpire is in dreamland, and what’s more I – er, I mean he – hasn’t really got a clue what the rule is. The variable bounce (plus some c**p shots) soon see the Canes on the edge of the abyss at 30 odd for 6 (which is effectively for 8 since we’re 2 short). Humiliation beckons then – but not so fast, not with Jim and Lewis still there. They dig in manfully, and slowly – and then quickly – the score starts to mount until the Canes eventually find them themselves on an unlikely, but very defendable, 117 off 20 overs. Jim finishes on 39 not out and Lewis 49 not out. An absolutely outstanding effort from both of them. Now that’s what I call commitment to the cause (are your ears burning Griff?).

After generously leading us a couple of fielders the Eclipse innings gets off to an even worse start than ours with wickets falling to each of the first two (legitimate) balls from Mr Angle – both to catches from Jaff. This then presents the tantalising prospect of a double hat-trick (for both bowler and keeper) – but it’s not to be. With Mr A later also taking an excellent running catch on the boundary it seems that the long-promised ‘premier league quality’ that he’s been threatening to provide this season has finally arrived. Good to see. If the Swans can perform like that next season then they’ve got half a chance of staying up. And as for Jaff – well, what can I say? After another top notch performance behind the stumps, including pouching no less than FOUR catches, it’s plain to see why he’s becoming known around the cricketing circuit as ‘Son of Greg’.

The Eclipse innings seems to be following a similar path to that of the Canes with early struggles, against decent bowling abetted by the vagaries of the pitch, followed by a wagging tail. As it finally comes down to the last pair at the wicket and 21 needed off the last 2 overs, the Canes look favourites – especially as Captain Dave has wisely held back his best 2 bowlers (Jim and Lewis again) for this very situation (look and learn Griff). However, a sweetly struck 6 off Lewis puts things back into the melting pot leaving 10 (I think) needed from Lewis’ last over.

Now if you could pick a man for this situation it would be Lewis – the man’s got nerves of steel. With 2 balls to go there are still 7 runs needed – and Dave has all the fielders back on the boundary. However, the next ball strays down the leg side and is glanced for four. So then, 3 to win – or 2 to tie, off the last ball. There wasn’t a Canes’ bum that wasn’t squeaking at this point – or then again maybe there was the one. Yes, Lewis ‘Ice in his Veins’ Bowen produces the perfect delivery – a fast, accurate yorker-length ball that sends the bails flying. The Canes sneak home by 2 runs in a very exciting, enjoyable and good-natured match. What does the future hold for Griff through? He did make a brief appearance on the far boundary, like a spectre at the feast, in a token display of solidarity – but can he ever hope to atone for his disgraceful recent behaviour? Watch this space.

Man of the Match – Two players won it virtually on their own. Captain Dave says the award it should be shared, but Jim insisted it ought to be Lewis – and I agree. Top score, excellent bowling at the death when the pressure was on, plus two awesome attempts at catches (both unsuccessful unfortunately) that no-one else would have got near.

Danny

It was Heath Park for the game versus the Casuals who always put up good opposition and play the game in a good spirit. The Canes with only 9 players batted first on what appeared a relatively good batting wicket, credit to Cardiff’s parkies this year, they seem to be doing a pretty good job so far. Most of the top order batsmen disagreed as one by one they trudged off with limited scores, being led by example as usual by Captain Griff & his golden duck.

As the casuals pacey Asian dog fearing bowler and chirpy spinner tore through the top and middle order things were looking bleak with the only real limited resistance put up by J.Stagg (20ish?) & Jeffreys (18). Soon the Canes were reduced to 50 odd for 8ish when Danny champion of the world came to the crease partnered by Evans as teh final wicket stand. Now, listen very carefully, i shall say this only once…. what followed was a series of cracking defensive shots that i would have been proud of myself. Danny was doing well and struck a couple of lusty drives through offside then got a bit excited and nibbled at one outside off and got caught by slip(ish) position playing an unusal off side prod. With no players in the hutch Danny was left out there to act as a runner for Jez who was now literally holding the innings together on his own around the 14th over, he then proceeded to play an excquisite array of defensive shots combined with drives down the ground for 4 every now and then before falling with 3 balls left to be bowled trying to spank the bowler back over his head….credit where it’s due, a fine display of proper digging in defensive cricket, a lifetimes work paying dividends some might say….not me, i saw him score fifty & hit a 6 down llanrumney once, allbeit on a small boundary, an artificial wicket & against average bowlers, but it was a fifty none the less!! Anyway, I’ve digressed, that left the Canes on 82 all out off 19.3 overs, a very hard score to defend.

The Casuals opened their batting shakily, thanks to 3 very tight overs from COB and losing early wickets to a clean bowled (or 2?) from J.Stagg, a great catch by Sully in the deep from D.Stagg’s bowling and some sharp keeping to take a fizzing ball into the gloves behind from a rocket like Evans delivery. The defense of the 82 was looking good as the Casuals were roughly 32 for 4 from 8. Unfortunately thats where it all started to go wrong, there were some lusty blows struck of the next 4-6 overs as the Casuals realised they needed to open up, Cob was unlucky not to have one batsmen run out as he was stranded half way down the strip and his bat fortuatously(sp?) hit the ball leaving him adequate time to get home. That seemed to be the key moment when the feeling it wasn’t our day kicked in and from then on there were a couple of misfields, the odd over throw and the unusual site of Bowen dropped his delivery a bit to short allowing the batsmen time to spank it for an enormous 6 that ended up on the road! The Casuals cruised home with 4 or 5 overs to spare.

If any of the above is wrong i’m sorry but I never had the book! The Canes now need to recover quickly following 2 back to back defeats for the first time in 2 or 3 years.

MOM : J Evans – Tight bowling & an outstanding lonely one man stand to finish out innings.

Jaffa

In cricketing circles there’s been much speculation about the Gladiators’ recent rise to become a regional super-power. Just how has Mr Dobson managed to transform his dad’s army team into the crack professional unit that’s been sweeping all before it in recent times? Well, I’ve been doing some research into the matter and have come to some rather disturbing conclusions.

I’ve always had the feeling that there’s something of the fanatic about Howard – and that there are few depths to which he wouldn’t stoop in his lust for sporting glory. It’s those mad staring eyes that give it away. I mean, just use a little imagination. Picture that silver hair coloured black …. add in a stubby little tache, and imagine the rest of the team goose-stepping past him with arms raised in salute to their leader. There – are you beginning to see what I’m seeing? A Third Reich for Glenwood, that’s what he wants – and nothing and no-one is going to stand in his way.

I mean, what’s has happened to some of the old favourites? When was the last time anyone saw Mr Jarman for instance? This is a guy who loves his cricket and surely nothing would make him give it up willingly just to fulfil a madman’s crazed dream? Well, according my source in the Glenwood ranks he hasn’t been seen since the match at the Centurions last year, when Howard ‘kindly’ offered him a lift home – and ‘co-incidentally’ this was the very day that they were pouring the concrete footings for the new bridge on the Church Village By-Pass. No-one’s seen hide nor hair of him since?

Keep this to yourselves mind as I’ve got no definitive proof of my suspicions – and it’s just possible that my thinking is coloured by rancour and bitterness after this trouncing that saw the Canes dumped unceremoniously out of the this year’s FTL Cup semi-final.

Glenwood batted first on what seemed a difficult slow pitch with low bounce. The scoring rate was kept in check early on but the batsmen were stubborn meaning that, with plenty wickets in hand, they could hit out later on with the ball flying regularly to the boundary. Even Jim, who’s usually the team’s most economical bowler, came in for heavy punishment recording 0 for 32 off his 3 overs on a pitch that now looked like a batting paradise. Glenwood’s innings finally closed on a very healthy 129 off 20 overs.

What followed can only be described as a batting calamity as wickets tumbled with depressing regularity in the face of some good accurate bowling on a strip that suddenly seemed to be unplayable. There was some speculation that the Gladiators may have sneakily moved the stumps onto a different strip from the one that they’d batted on. It’s one explanation I suppose but it’s more likely that recent high scores may have lulled the Canes into thinking that they can just go out and just belt the ball without respecting the bowling or the conditions. The tail did wag though – and quite a tail it was too with Jim top scoring with 28, Griff with 21 and an injured (yet again) Imran with 14 not out. The Canes finished on 98 all out with more than 5 overs remaining – so we were up with the run rate. If only we’d had a few more wickets in hand.

The Canes have always prided themselves on accepting defeat with good grace, and so we have no hesitation in wishing those jammy b******s – er, I mean the Gladiators – the best of luck in the final.

Not many contenders for man of the match I’m afraid. Jim top scored but suffered on the bowling front – so I’ll go for Imran. 2 tidy overs brave batting at the end despite the handicap of yet another career-threatening injury.

Danny