Harroh.
My name Susuki and I am geisha girl from Kyoto in Yapan. One day I see wedding of Kate and Lills on TV. Oh my word – it so womantic. Since then my dweam is to mally handsome pwince and live in castle. So, I go on web and google ‘handsome’ ‘english’ ‘gentleman’ – and oh my word, in jus one second up pop picture of Gwiff.
He so handsome, and I know that I love him and he is man for me. I see that he play cwicket for team called Huwicanes – and of course he is best player (all weports say so) – so, I send message that I come UK to mally him and make some jiggy jigs, but he weply and say that Mrs Gwiff she no like. This make Susuki sad. But then I tink maybe there is other players like Gwiff in team and so I come UK to fine out.
I come to place call Blackweir, and when I see Gwiff – well, he even more handsome than picture on web, but I know he cannot be mine and so I look at other player in team, and I soon see one vely pwetty boy. His name Jaffa – and I know fwom weports that he make lot of whacky whacky with bat, which mean he mus be good for jiggy jigs. But why they call him Jaffa? I learn good to speak English and I know this is type of biscuit. Why they call him biscuit? There is another boy called Sully who look like he eat many many biscuit – why not him called Jaffa? Me no understand. Jaffa is vely pwetty though, but he no live in castle – jus clappy bed sit in Leckwit, so he is no man for me.
Game is against team called Mackintosh – but sun is shine and they no wear mackintosh. Me no understand? The Mack is first to make whacks. They make plenty whacks and score 128 for 9. Boy called Chewbadger take first two wicket and me tink he quite cute, but maybe he not nice boy cos me see him doing pee pee on boundwy – vely wude boy. He not man for Susuki.
Then I see another pwetty boy who is call Imwan. Him I like a lot and I know that he make lot of good whackies – but also I hear he eat too many kebabs. This not good (maybe make bad smells in bed), and he so pwetty that me tink maybe he is ladyboy? No. Imwan not the man for me either.
Another boy call COB take 2 wicket but he not pwetty. I hear that he look like s**t house lat, and I tink is true. Best bowler is Gwiff (of course) who take 3 wicket. Mack score many luns and Canes mus make many many whacks if they will win match.
First whackers for Hullicanes is boys called Bowen and Chewbadger. Bowen not pwetty boy but make many good whacks and score 50 luns, and Chewbadger get 15. Then come nother dirty old man called Danny, and bwother of Chewbadger and they make more whacks – but Sully and COB only make 1 little whack each (I tink is cos too many biscuits).
Then comes moment that I am waiting for when Gwiff come out to make whacks. Another boy called Norm is there too but me only have eyes for Gwiff. Only 4 is need to win and of course with first ball Gwiff make mighty whack and game is over. Canes is win match by 5 wicket and of course Gwiff is helo.
I look awound for naughty boy called Jellamy who me know make Gwiff cwoss cos not make enough whacks. I bwing with me bwolly to teach him good lesson and show him what is mean by good whackies – but he not there. Lucky for him I say.
Man of Match – my head say there is much good whacking from Bowen, and good whacking and bowling from Chewbadger. But my heart say only one ting – it mus be Gwiff.
So, I no find my pwince and mus return to my sad lonely life in Yapan. I love you Gwiff and never forget you. Goodbye for ever.
Susuki
Chewbadger — August 3, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Absolute genius nonsense Danny I’m crying with laughter, awesome report!! Sullys going on a diet he just text me, hahahahahaha!
Foo Kem Yung — August 3, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Me love he-wing about superstar Canes. Me want to come make sexy time with Dirty Old Danny……. me love you long time!!!
Griff — August 3, 2011 at 6:06 pm
I actually cried and had to stop on four occasions. The funniest thing i have ever read, bar none.
Griff — August 3, 2011 at 7:51 pm
Suzuki, after reading your report i feel somewhat sad that you never found a handsome ‘Cane and had to go back to Japan alone. Its a shame that Jaffa, Imran and Badger all do not measure up to the standards of Griff, but there is still hope in the shape of some ex ‘Canes. I’m sure that one look at John Rewis or John Mallow would melt your heart, Mr Rewis owns a boat and Mr Mallow makes good whacky whacky even on one leg.
Lotus Blossom — August 4, 2011 at 10:37 am
Me good fwend of Susuki. Can somewon send me number for Mack captain pleese? Susuki say he vely old -but maybe he be vely wich and have plenty monies. Tank you.